Beech Tree News Network

INFORMAL MANNERS

Every once and a while, alright a little more often than every once and a while, alright, alright, on a fairly frequent basis, I slip into an alternate reality in my head and dream about what life would be like, if turned just a little bit differently than it actually is. You know like what if I had written a best seller by now or if I had actually been a skilled athlete growing up or if I had earned that double doctorate in philosophy and theology, along with a history major, all sorts of things like that, along with thoughts like, what if my closest cousin had not been killed in an act of violence, would we still be close? And what would have happened if my body had not betrayed me with cancer? These thoughts occupy a great deal of my time.

One of the ways I indulge myself is by looking at dream homes and imagining what my family would be like if we lived there. Not that I am ashamed of the home we have, a lot of love and life has happened inside the walls of our little cedar haven and though it is sorely in need of work here and there and perhaps even some expansion, I am still proud of it, especially the full front porch with swings and rockers, which let you know you are welcome, even before you knock on the door.

There are a couple of homes right in this county where we reside, within moments of where we currently live, which I fantasize about. I've often maintained that I could not really see myself living anywhere else but the county we currently live in, although recently, I have began to question that assumption. Anyway, there are two homes currently for sale in this vicinity (neither of which we can afford) which I have spent several hours looking at pictures of each and wondering if chance might turn, so moving would be in our family's future. One of them is even a log home and though I prefer timber-frame, a log home is pretty close to it on the wish list. One thing I do is think about little changes I might make if one of these homes were to become mine. You know, different lay outs, different designs, materials, landscapes and such. I can get so deep in picturing it, it almost becomes real to me, upon occasion.

One of the things I look for is open concept design. I have absolutely no use for formal spaces at all. A formal dining room is just a waste of space to me, in fact it just seems rather cold and uninviting, just the opposite of what sharing meals should be about; for me. I also have no use for a formal living space. While I appreciate beauty and elegance in a home, I want one that is comfortable, lived-in, one where you are respectful enough to take off your shoes to keep from scuffing the wood floors but after that, to feel absolutely at ease in, open the fridge looking for a cool beverage, sprawl out on the floor, grab a blanket and curl up in the window seat with a book, you know, whatever you want, as long as you are courteous.

I am just an informal type of guy, not all that comfortable being around formality at all. In fact structure and ceremony and all the things that go with formality just are not ,“my cup of tea.” Formality means it is done in accordance with rules of convention, with lofty pretense, concerned with snobbery and outward appearances, I just have no use for that, in most circumstances and will choose comfort over formality anytime I am given a choice.

However, I have witnessed a trend where a lot of folks seem to believe that abandoning formality (which I believe is a good trend) also means abandoning good manners. Listen folks, preferring informality means we choose to embrace that which is suited for everyday use, not embracing rudeness or a lack of respect or manners.

To be blunt( which technically is a synonym of being rude) being vulgar, like passing gas, belching, cursing like a sailor as part of your everyday language, is not being comfortable, it is just being gross and having whole conversations about such activities is just classless and pubescent. Having good manners can be wrapped up simply in being kind and considerate. That is all good manners is, it has nothing to do with being “high flaluten” or snobby. Good manners flow naturally when we are considerate of others, when we are able to put ourselves into “other peoples shoes,” in other words, manners are tied with empathy.

Good manners mean saying please and thank you, they mean not interrupting when someone is speaking, telling the host you are grateful for being invited but they also mean being sensitive to the feelings of others. I had a friend whom recently was intuitive enough to realize something was bothering me and knowing I am also sick, asked if it was that or if something else was wrong. Although I was not ready to discuss it, it was nice to have someone reach out.

Having bad manners arises from ignorance, plain and simple. It is the lack of empathy for others. Rudeness, disrespect, impoliteness, it has nothing to do with informality and everyday comfort. You can disrespect someone by making fun of them, by shunning them because they are considered beneath you, or by simply just not inviting them to be a part of something.

To be informal means- comfortable in everyday situations. If we simply remember that the spiritual belongs in every minute of our lives and not just on special occasions, then we will never exclude others, with our bad manners.