Beech Tree News Network

NOWHERE TO GO-THE other day my son came home after a brief outing with his mother, Pokemon hunting or something, I don't really remember but as he passed the room I was in, he shot me a look which I know, from several years of experience, meant he was deeply disappointed in me. I immediately tried to find out what was going on but he just said “I don't want to talk about it.” I was a little worried that his mother had painted an unfavorable image of me by revealing something I did in the past but it turned out she had only told him the story about the time I almost won the lottery. He was only teasing me (somewhat) with his act of disapproval, bemoaning the fact that I had denied him the chance to grow up financially well off.

You see, several years ago I bought a lottery ticket, as I still do upon occasion, some may regard that as just throwing money away but the little spark of hope and wonder it provides, before you actually find out you didn't win, is exhilarating, I see no harm in it, as long as you don't go overboard. Some may disagree, that's fine, we don't have to agree on everything to still be friends. Anyway, that particular time, I hit four numbers out of six and won a nice, though rather comparatively, little bonus but if I had gotten the other two, we would be millionaires. The two I didn't pick? - 8/19- which if you read last weeks article you know that is our wedding anniversary. I am one of those types that picks the same numbers over and over and I had picked 8/19 before but I had recently changed them, to incorporate new family members birthdays. To tell the truth, if I had not changed them, then I would not have gotten the other four but my wife recalls it as the time we almost won and she had relayed the story, with that emphasis, to our son.

Not long after that, my son and I were in the car together, I believe on the way to school, I don't remember, but he relayed the fact that he was kind of glad that he had not been wealthy all his life, otherwise he might not have empathy for the poor and others whom struggle. It is moments like that, that I am really proud to be a dad. Of course he added that he had no problem if that situation ended pretty soon but still , you know, the fact that he liked feeling empathy for others; must be doing something right, amid all my mistakes.

I have made more than my share of mistakes along my journey, not just in parenting but just about every other area you can imagine. I mentioned in my last article that my wife and I are quite different in a lot of ways. One of those ways is I tend to be much more trusting of people and nearly always believe that most people have the best intentions and I somewhat easily will bare my soul, if I trust you. My wife, on the other hand, is much more skeptical and tends to believe that people generally are mostly looking out for themselves and have underlying motives, often money, as motivating factors in their behavior, she does not trust as easily. It saddens me to say this but she is often right in her appraisals, more than I am and it has been a mistake on my part, more than once, to trust too easily.

If you are a long time reader of mine then you know that I struggle with self-esteem issues and feelings of inferiority, I have my whole life and though I've gotten better at managing those feelings, at some times better than others, they never completely go away.

The best way to wound me, right to the core of who I am, is not to disagree with me or even argue with me but to simply ignore me and act as if I don't matter or even exist, just exclude me, that is where my nature to trust too easily has betrayed me at times.

I have no “delusions of grandeur,” I know who I am, just a simple man, only educated through High School, in a small town. The philosopher I put on this column as a header is not because I believe I am some great one. They are just my ramblings but I do love chasing wisdom and I like the sound of the word, so that's how the title came about. I do describe myself as a writer though, because that is one tiny area I don't feel like a complete idiot, most of the time. When I write a letter about getting clean water to people in desperate need, I don't think my letter is any more profound or will make any more of a difference than anyone else, I just sincerely want to help people get clean water. When I tell people you are all welcome at my mansion when we get to heaven, it is not because I think mine will be better, ( don't really buy in to the literalness of that anyway) I am just saying I genuinely would enjoy your company.

So, You know some of what motivates me , gets me up in the mornings and keeps me moving. You also know some of the things that will stop me dead in my tracks and keep me stuck there, so that instead of feeling like I have somewhere to go and something to do; that I actually might be making a difference, instead; when I let those emotions overcome, I feel as if I can't move, I have no place to go.

All of us are wounded in some way, my personal one is the battle with being left out and isolated, with nowhere to go, because I am stuck in pain. All of us are essentially looking to be healed from our wounds, that is what salvation is about. Though you may find yourself unable to go forward and unwilling to go back; look for love. It may come in bits of wisdom from a child or the loyalty of one who has always been by your side but love has never abandoned you; it stands ready to heal your wounds.