Beech Tree News Network

I officially do not have World Cup fever. The closest thing I have is a bit of soccer nausea.

With all the hype surrounding the World Cup and the United States team I tried to get interested. I didn't study or anything, but I followed the games, and even kept up with the standings that affected the US team. I was actually doing pretty well with dipping my toe in the soccer pond, and then I watched some games.

After about 25 minutes of watching the game--or match or friendly or whatever they call it--I realized I had no idea what was going on. Aside from knowing that kicking the ball into a net is the end goal of the game, I was completely lost.

There was finally a little excitement when some players ran into each other going for the ball. The announcers said a player had tackled someone, but there was no pile of players. To me it looked like he tripped the guy, but they said there was a tackle somewhere. I thought I just missed it. I was excited though, because I thought the action was picking up.

A while later one player knocked down an opponent. I was sure I'd seen a tackle. I was wrong. It was a takedown, and it drew a penalty. But all that happened was the referee ran over and waved a yellow card in the offending player's face. It must have signified something however, because fans started booing and throwing trash on the field.

I figured the game would stop and the crowd would be warned, but they just kept playing. I think the only person on the planet bothered by the teams playing amidst empty cups and rolls of toilet paper was me. When the half ended the announcers even commented about what a "fantastic soccer crowd" at the stadium.

There was also no scoring. In 45 minutes there wasn't a single goal. In fact, there were hardly any shots. Most of the time the teams just ran around in the middle of the field and kicked the ball through the trash.

The second half started the same. Then somebody tripped a player. I thought it was legal, but it wasn't this time. The player got his second yellow card. This time the crowd really went crazy, and the announcer said it was because that meant somebody had a red card now. So in soccer math two yellow cards equals a red card--I think--and red cards mean the crowd chants at the officials.

I think it also caused someone to be ejected from the game. I deduced this about 20 minutes later when someone finally scored. The announcers said the other team just couldn't stop "the relentless attack" with only ten men on the field.

Completely confused at this point I think I missed some historic soccer moment. Despite having only ten men the blue guys--in two hours I really never figured out what countries were playing--tied the game in the 92nd minute. This further confused me because I thought the game was 90 minutes long. Someone told me later they were in injury time. Who knows what that is.

The teams then had to go to extra time. 15 more minutes to decide the match. Those pesky blue guys managed another score less than a minute into extra time. I thought the game was over, but soccer doesn't end in sudden death. They played the full 15-minutes, and then I was sure the blue guys won. But they put 15 more minutes in the clock and had the second extra time.

So they were playing double overtime in a game that wasn't tied anymore. This made no sense. You don't play extra innings in a 2-1 game. The yellow team came out hot in the second extra time and tied the game again at 2-2. I think. I was so lost at this point I was trying to watch and Google the rules of soccer at the same time. All I know that the second extra time ended with the teams tied 2-2.

I got ready for more extra time, only to hear the announcers say the game was going to sudden death. To make it even more confusing the teams would decide the match with penalty kicks. To this point I'd already seen penalties, but no penalty kicks. I didn't know they even existed. It seemed to me that doing something so egregious to get someone ejected would require a penalty kick. Strangely enough the announcers said that only having ten players gave the blue team the edge with the penalty kicks. Something about getting their best player an extra shot or something.

In the end the blue guys, Iran I think, managed to win the match 5-3 on penalty kicks. I think. Who knows? Even though they won the game I heard later they missed the next round. However the team that lost managed to advance. Just further soccer strangeness I can't begin to understand.

I have concluded that soccer is a perfect game for every part of the world that's not the United States. Its just like the metric system and driving on the wrong side of the road. It works for them, but it just doesn't fit here.

I don't dislike soccer, I just don't get it. I'll stick to football where the ball is oblong, tackles involves actually tackling someone, and penalties draw yellow flags, not yellow and red cards. I also like playoffs where winners advance, losers go home, and throwing trash on the field is only acceptable in Philadelphia.

Between now and the next World Cup I'm going to get vaccinated. I'm going to find a shot that prevents World Cup fever, so I'll never be tempted to watch soccer again.

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Tell me your thoughts about soccer,,real football, or sports in general.

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