Beech Tree News Network

Most TV commercials play on our fears, our looks-maybe a combination of both. Some of course do not make any sense at all: Derma Wand will take years off your appearance. ‘Course it fails to mention too much of the product could make your disappear altogether. 

Walk-in tubs surely must wash your clothes and body at the same time. Nobody on TV ever gets in the naked. 

Play Piano in a flash. In 30 days you can be playing songs. Thirty days ain’t “in a flash”, or have you noticed? The medication you are taking may kill you graveyard dead. If it does, call Ganglinger and Boseefus Law Firm. We’ll give you an easier send-off. 

Let us send you, post-paid, our latest innovative apparatus for your ailing back ache. It stands you on your head to remove vertebral pressure. (Of course it doesn’t tell you if you stay upside-down too long it will give you a gosh-awful headache, and you’ll feel like your eyes are gonna’ pop out.) 

WARNING: The medical implant you are now warring can go bonkers, and you could wind up with Bunkum Carbitis. Or worse, come to think of it, I don’t what could be worse. 

To you older ladies. You need Life Lock Protection That keeps your personal business personal. Somebody, somewhere, may find out you dip snuff, or heaven forbid, read true romance magazines. My grandmother did both. She also played solitaire, with ‘em ole sinful “spot cards”… and she was a Southern Baptist... and sang in the choir at New Cypress Baptist Church. 

I look for a TV commercial sooner or later to start pushing a Velcro latch on the trap doors of winter long johns. Loose buttons do have a way of falling off back there. This happened to Rupert Cupplinger one winter. Rupert lived up the road a piece from us. Rupert thought he heard a racket in the henhouse one night. He got up, got his shotgun and flashlight. He didn’t bother to put his pants-just his hat and boots. The button on Rupert’s long john trap door wasn’t loose. It was GONE. 

He started toward the henhouse. His ole dog Rover, sleeping under the front porch woke and followed him. One of Rover’s biggest faults was he was very inquisitive… hold that thought. When they got to the henhouse Rupert opened the door, stuck the nuzzle of the double barrel in, leaned way over and started to turn on his light. About that time ole Rover’s curiosity got the best of him and he cold-nosed Rupert. 

Rupert went back to the house, got his family up, and they all CLEANED CHICKENS the rest of the night. 

I’ll grab my saddle horn and blow. 

Kindest regards….