Beech Tree News Network

One day after work, Garey and I watched as two cars pulled up side by side in the parking lot next door.  A small boy climbed out of one car, opened the trunk and dragged out an overnight bag.  He put it into the trunk of the other car.  We knew immediately what was going on.  The ritual of divorce was playing out in this parking lot in the same way it was playing out in parking lots across this land.
    There was a young man watching that scene with us that day, and he said, “I’ve gone through that my whole life, and it really sucks!”  I felt bad for him and relieved my own children had never gone through that ritual.  I also knew it was next to a miracle that our kids hadn’t had to go through it, because, as I’ve told you before, Garey and I aren’t exactly role models for how marriage should be done, and sometimes I wonder how we’re still together, but I’m glad we are.
    I remember when Garey’s sister was going through a divorce—her kids were three and five at the time— she said, “All the marriage counselors tell you the same thing, don’t stay together for the sake of the children.”  I remember thinking, “Why not?  Why shouldn’t you stay together for the sake of the children?”  I wish to God my parents had stayed together for the sake of their children.  As it was, we were the least of their considerations, and I spent a good deal of my formative years digging out from under their emotional baggage, instead of doing something more constructive like actually having a childhood.
    I want to pause here to say this: I in no way encourage anybody to stay in an abusive relationship.  That is a lose/lose situation that does irreparable damage to adults and children alike.  I’m not suggesting you should stay and try to work through those kinds of problems.  I’m not sure that’s even possible.  I’m talking about situations which are irritating and annoying and inconvenient.  It’s like we’ve lost the ability to suffer through those kinds of things.  We’ve been fed misinformation like, don’t stay together for the sake of the children, and live life on your own terms, and you deserve to be happy, and hundreds of other platitudes steeped in malarkey. 
    Life is life.  It’s hard and painful and inconvenient and annoying and irritating, whether you’re married or single.  I like to say it this way: Life is hard and marriage is even harder.  It involves suffering and sacrifice, and it’s rarely on your own terms.  And if it’s that hard on adults, just think about what it’s like for a child.
  I, like the young man in our parking lot, don’t have to try to imagine what it’s like for a child.  I lived the separation anxiety and worry and fear and instability.  I’ve often said I felt like a Tillandsia (an air plant).  I had no soil, no place to put down roots, no starting place, no foundation, no place to stand.
It was a life I wouldn’t wish on anybody. 
    With that said, I realize two people screaming at each other 24-7 is not an ideal situation in which to raise children either.  Recently, I met a woman who had been in a marriage that had reached its end because of emotional baggage her husband had carried since childhood.  They decided they couldn’t stay together.  They also decided that in every decision they made from there on out, their first priority would be the well-being of their daughter.  They kept that pledge to each other.  They both remarried and their spouses honored that pledge as well.  That daughter is able to watch selflessness and sacrifice in action in two sets of parents.  She will thrive.
    You can’t fool a kid.  They know.  They see.  They recognize when you’re doing something unselfish for them, something purely for their sake.  It is a heritage every child should receive.  I’m sorry the marriage counselors think otherwise.