“War of the Weeds”

Mon, 07/14/2025 - 8:57am — Diane Dyer

- Written by a human, Josh Hampton / Accompanying 3-handed art made by a robot

Ever thought about how much time we waste mowing our lawns? I’d like to meet the man who decided grass was the hill we were literally going to die on. He deserves a good thrashing. Our lawn doesn’t feed us. It doesn’t clothe us. It doesn’t pay rent. But we’ll be damned if it grows an inch past our neighbor’s.

Wespend more time landscaping than we do talking to our families.

More time weed-eating than reading our books. But hey, at least the yard looks like a golf course nobody plays on.

You ever stand back after spending 4 hours mowing, edging, & weed-whacking & think, “Yeah. Now ‘this’ is what makes me a man. A sweaty, sunburned man with seasonal allergies & a $6000 lawnmower I use 18 times a year. Harrumph!”

And here’s the kicker it adds no actual value to your property. None. Nada. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

You could have a pristine lawn with diagonal lines that would make a Yankee Stadium groundskeeper weep, & the appraiser’s like, “Cool… still worth $219K. Just like the guy down the street with the 3 dead trees, 2 cars on blocks, the satellite dish, & the rusted trampoline in his front yard.”

American landscaping is not about utility, it’s about domination.

It’s war, really. A passive-aggressive cold war of the suburbs. Your neighbor mows on Tuesday? You mow on Monday just to flex. He plants begonias? You install a koi pond. He builds a koi pond? You go full Biltmore Estates.

Next thing you know, you’re out in full camo with a leaf blower at 4:30a.m. staring over the fence & whispering to yourself, “This is for the dandelion incident, Greg.”

The only reason we have lawns at all is because we can’t afford actual land anymore. We just manicure our tiny, useless square of earth we “own” & pretend it means something.

We used to grow crops. Now we grow… grass.

& the worst part? If you don’t mow?

You’re a monster. A neighborhood pariah. People clutch their pearls like you spray painted a pentagram on your siding. “Did you see the Hamptons’ yard?! They’re letting it grow wild! It looks like a Bob Ross painting over there!”

I say we stop pretending this is noble. Let it grow. Plant some wildflowers. Native grasses. Let the bees do their thing. Throw up a hammock. Put your feet up. Drink umbrella drinks.

& if the Joneses don’t like it?

Good. I’m tired of keeping up with them anyway.

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opinion