Beech Tree News Network

You know what holiday really brings us, as Americans, together? The worst one. The 4th of July. Independence Day. A day where we celebrate our freedom by terrifying small children, old folks, & dogs. You know, the American way.

Nothing says “life, liberty, & the pursuit of happiness” like your 83-year-old veteran neighbor scrambling under the porch because Cletus just lit a mortar shell in the driveway after chasing double shots of Early Times with a 2-liter of Code Red Mountain Dew.

Fireworks are a scam. It’s like buying really loud flowers. They’re bright, colorful, beautiful for about three seconds… & then gone forever, just like your paycheck.

“But they’re magical!” No. They’re expensive, loud, & 9 times out of 10, someone is gonna lose a few fingers & the occasional eyebrow.

Not forgetting, neighborhoods across America turn into live Beirut war zone reenactments for 48 hours straight? If you dropped someone in from another country, they’d have some serious questions and possibly signs of PTSD. 

And then there’s the guy in every town who treats July 4th like it’s his personal D-Day? The man spent a month’s pay at a tent in the Houchens parking lot & now he’s out here launching his rockets like Elon Musk with no permit, no shirt, shoes & for no good reason.

Oh &…..Thanks to everyone for the shaky vertical videos of your county fair fireworks display. Because if there’s one thing the internet was lacking, it was 37 seconds of blurry explosions with children screaming in the background and your aunt yelling, “That ‘un there looked like a palm tree!”

Let’s be honest, we all pretend to love fireworks until about 9:30 PM. Then we’re like, “Wow, this is loud. Smells like gunpowder, regret & Early Times.” Once the grand finale hits, you’re just praying your neighbor doesn’t set your shed on fire with a Roman candle taped to a rake.

Hot dogs, sunburns, drunk eyebrowless uncles, & PTSD for everyone under 8 & over 70. Happy Birthday, America. You’re insane…now get off my lawn.

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- Written by a human, Josh Hampton / Accompanying art made by a robot