Beech Tree News Network

The United States Bureau of the Census (1999) reported that nearly 700,000 women lose their husbands each year. I have seen my grandmother, my mother, and many other women learn to deal with this painful transition. It is a lesson of necessity – like much in life.

Since losing my husband a year ago, I’ve been learning about an up-close-and-personal kind of grief. Anyone who has lost a loved one – not necessarily a spouse – can attest that these lessons are hard won. I have not mastered the six lessons mentioned below, but I am gaining perspective within each area.

Lesson 1:  Learn to be kind to yourself. Soon after my husband’s death, a friend who had lost her husband a few years earlier advised me to adopt this attitude. Over the next few months, her words returned to me again and again. Being kind to myself has been hard to learn. But, I have found that if I am tired, I should rest; grief is draining. Likewise, the occasional tears are cleansing. And, physical activity is good. When I exercise or am physically active, my emotional responses are more balanced. Also, I have found a quiet time to be refreshing. Being kind to myself has been good for me physically and emotionally.

Lesson 2:  Grief cannot be hurried. Those first weeks were littered with hurdles: the will, thank you notes, and business matters. Later, I began to fill my time by scheduling normal activities. Gradually, I began to feel more like myself. But, the milestones of birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and the end of the first year may be stumbling blocks, bringing grief back to the forefront. Also, our world is full of things to remind us of the past: a song, a photograph, or a hand-written note. Someone once said that it takes seven years to adjust to the loss of someone close; so, I do not apologize for my weak moments. And, knowing that others survive grief is comforting to me. One day at a time, I am gaining strength.

Lesson 3:  Disregard regrets. As humans, we are imperfect. We may regret things that we wish we had done or things that we wish we had not done. Occasionally, I think of something I would like to ask my late husband and regret that I did not ask when I could. My specific regrets are generally related to me: things I did or things I did not do. In my husband’s last years, I wanted to make his life as easy as possible, and in retrospect, I would change a few of the choices I made. However, I recognize that during my husband’s illness, I made the best decisions I could with the information I had at the time. So when regrets come to mind, I tell myself that I am wasting my energy with things I cannot change. I did the best I could – the best I knew to do that day.

Lesson 4:  Relationships change. Over time I have noticed that the dynamics of family and friends may have changed a bit. For instance, my children have become more protective of me, most likely fearing the loss of their surviving parent. At different times, two of my daughters have expressed the desire to wrap me in bubble wrap: their way of saying that they would like to keep me safe. Then, depending on the circumstances, ties with extended family members and friends may be strengthened or strained. Thoughtless words or actions could create distance while supportive words and actions result in stronger relationships. I remember the family members and friends who supported me in the days before and after the death of my husband. Those people have a special place in my heart. Finally, I feel a special connection to my husband’s friends. These men and women loved my husband, too. When I see them, I feel sad; but, perhaps the sadness will recede with time.

Lesson 5:  Choices must be made. My life has changed, and I must decide which paths to follow. Like the television commercial, I remember my late husband advising me from time to time to “Just do it.” Now, I do not have a spouse to act as my sounding board, but I have found that family and friends are willing to listen and to offer suggestions. Finding the right path is not always easy, but choices do have to be made. Grief has changed me, but I also have found an inner strength.

Lesson 6:  Be thankful for the gifts of life. In the initial storm of loss, it was hard to appreciate my gifts. Actually, each day of life is a gift. Familiar routines are gifts that help us to heal. Good memories, friends and family, and good health are all gifts. I have become very thankful for the years I shared with my husband and for the life we had. Grief has caused me to be more grateful for life’s blessings. As Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel) said, “Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”

Albert Einstein once said, “The only mistake in life is the lesson not learned.” Life has an impact. Yes, becoming a widow has been difficult; but, it is a part of my God-given time. And, I will be grateful for it.